Thursday, June 11, 2009

The "Happiest" Place on Earth

This is the gayest Tim has ever looked. 

Tim and the bird that wanted the fat guys turkey leg. 
It's not Disney without a fat guy eating a giant turkey leg. 
Family in a Teacup.
3 gay dudes in a Teacup.
Tim Jones, Ladies and Gentleman. 
Bat Balls. Just hanging out. 
Safari ride. 
Sponge tree. 
Tim and Aden on the shaky safari bridge. 
Blowing leaves into the fountain when I ran out of Wishing Pennies. 
Family in 3-D
Disney grows its own food. 
Very cool. 
When Tim pointed out the painted guy chasing them, Harper insisted that meowing at him would make them safe. 
Honey I shrunk my husband. 
Greatest NO! graphic ever. 
I have a picture of Tim doing the same thing to our three cats. 
Just one example. Rascals were everywhere. I love that she is parked in the way and on a cellphone. 

The bippity bobbity boutique. 

brother in law. 

Last week Tim and I ended up being drug kicking and screaming to Disney World. Or Land. Whichever one is in Florida. My mother had been planning this trip for almost 2 years and we conveniently managed to get the whole thing postponed last summer by getting married. After that, Tim and I were given "You're coming to Disney, or else" invitations which guaranteed our attendance through fear of being disowned entirely by my family. Don't get me wrong, I am all for seeing my family. I don't get to often enough and my sister and brother-in-law have two small -not so much anymore- kids whom I love hanging out with. It's just that when you are a childless adult, you happen to be immune to the lures of Disney. I also live in NYC and when I go on vacation I don't necessarily want to be fighting off fatter versions of the crowds I just left and standing in lines behind kids that get their arms yanked off for being excited. As a childless adult, going to Disney may actually encourage you to REMAIN a childless adult. This is delicate territory here, and not my first choice for a vacation destination. 

THEN, my sister-in-law, Sheri informed me that the week that we were going, the week that my mother spent countless hours on the phone planning and researching, just happened to be Gay Week. This is probably the best news that I had heard in the last 10 years. According to the stats, there were approximately 140,000 of them coming into Magic Kingdom to experience what will now truly be The "Happiest" Place on Earth. AND, I got to be the one to tell my mom, whom I love fucking with. After all is said and done, it turns out that all it takes is a little bit of novelty to get me excited about a rather predictable vacation, a little bit of unique uncertainty to guarantee that we would have a Conger-Putnam-Jones time in Disney instead of the exact same memories as the countless other people that vacation there. All it took was Gay Week.

Sadly, for me, it was anti-climactic at first. The other park attendees were just your average fat midwesterners walking 5 abreast, but on Saturday I finally got my wish. Saturday was the official day where they all wore red shirts and went to Magic Kingdom, which thankfully, is where we were also. 

Here are the best things that happened that day:

1. The elusive "Joey the Squid". We ended up keeping our eyes peeled in a Where's Waldo kind of way, hoping to see him again at some point. Joey's shirt was the first in an apparent never ending sea of fantastic t-shirts. My brother-in-law perhaps saw the best: "Zippa-Dee-Doo-Dah, Zippa-Dee-Gay". Other contenders were: a bedazzled "I'm gayer than you", a monkey with an extra large banana below the words, "mine's bigger" and "You'll do". 

2. The spectrum of participants. There was a full range of people from 15-85 wearing rainbow mouse ears, Minnie Mouse headbands (my sister was quick enough to snap a photo of a group of 5 fat, middle-aged men all wearing these), rainbow pins, etc. At this point, I need to remind you that the park is filled with 5% of the average American population. This means that almost everyone is obese and badly dressed. This percentage was also true for the participants of Gay Week. As Tim put it, "Hmmm, we need to come back for SEXY Gay Week next time." 

3. I actually got to send a guy in the bathroom after my dad. He got up to go and was 10 feet from the table when a surprisingly attractive guy wearing an official Gay Days '09 t-shirt asked me if I knew where the bathroom was. I pointed my dad out to him and said, " See that guy in the white shirt? Follow him, he's headed to the bathroom right now." Opportunities like that should not be missed. I am sure my dad was like, "Is that guy following me?" Hilarious.

Putting all of the Gay Week stuff aside, Tim and I had a surprisingly marvelous time! The invention of the Fast Pass and my dad's keen navigation allowed us to see a lot more of the parks than I expected. We had park-hopper passes and could go anywhere we wanted at any time. We saw 2 amazing firework displays in one night. There were parades, and safaris, and teacups (!), and large scale spectacle everywhere. The entire place was so over the top that it made the crowds worth it just to see everything. The bathrooms were air-conditioned! The rides were fun and my niece and nephew were so excited about everything that it was contagious. As I told my sister when we left, "You got me. I had fun. You were right."

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